Worst Food Ever!

It's Friday night at 9:45 and I'm home alone enjoying the comedy stylings of Jim Gaffigan while surfin' the net and eating some pretzels. I'm not going to eat all the pretzels because I promised I'd make the Take 5 brownies for the bake sale at Volley 4A Cause this Tuesday - wear pink, Vikings!

I've had a full day so the relaxing and eating of pretzels was earned in my opinion. I worked a full day, went to the grocery store for the family's week of food, emptied the dish washer, painted the faces of two junior high girlies with blue and white for homecoming spirit, walked my regular route, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, washed all the kitchen countertops with the antibacterial stuff, and mopped the kitchen, hall, foyer and bathroom. So yeah...I'm surfin' the net and eating pretzels - suck it.

Did you know Monica Bellucci is older than me?

But I digress.

So I'm watching Jim Gaffigan and he goes into his Hot Pockets routine and I get hungry. I go to the pantry to grab the pretzels and on the bottom shelf I see the worst food ever.

Candy Corn.

Why is it the worst ever? If you have to ask that, I can't talk to you anymore. It's waxy and pretty much tastes like straight Karo Corn Syrup. There are so many other things you can do with sugar and corn syrup, what the heck was the inventor of candy corn thinking?

I remember the first time I tasted the crap. It was Halloween and some evil soul in my neighbor hood had purchased smallish bags of about 20 candy corn to pass out to the little Batmen and Underdogs and Sweet Polly Purebreds...

After the little baggie had passed inspection and my mom declared it free from razor blades, straight pins and LSD I was excited to try it. It's pretty! I won't deny the attractiveness of the faux-food...it is very pretty. It was awful. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted. I did not finish the bag. I threw it away.

So...if it's so awful and I haven't eaten it since I was 6, why is there a bag of it in my pantry, you ask? Am I part of the American population who just buys crap because it's indicative of a holiday? Do I also buy fruitcake at Christmas? Pickled herring for New Year's? A King cake for the beginning of Lent? (okay, that last one is kinda tasty, the purple sugar is the best) No, I do not buy those things.

Ever.

The bag of candy corn on the bottom shelf of the pantry was purchased by my husband. It was purchased because the oldest gets extra credit if he brings a bag of candy to his French teacher. The husband went to Target for a few items on Sunday afternoon and "extra credit bag of candy" was on the list. This is what he brought home.

It's still on the bottom shelf of the pantry because the oldest knows damn well no one wants that crap and is probably afraid that his French teacher will deduct points from his grade if he brings it in.

She should. It's the worst candy ever.