No pics here...just some words of release. No idea how to symbolize what I'm feeling with a photo...

I've got some serious anxiety right now...butterflies in the stomach...lots of uneasiness...and I think I know what's bugging me and if I put it out here and get it out of my head, I might feel a little better.

Serious wierdness 'round here and I've got to do something to get it off my chest or I'm gonna freak out.

The little ones are growing up big time and momma isn't dealing with it very well...at least not right now.

The oldest has a girlfriend and even though things haven't progressed beyond a hug good bye it's just another step in his growing up and away from me. I know I'm not always going to be the only woman in his life and I don't want to be...and who knows how long this little bit of puppy love will last, but for now, I'm sharing the kid a little.

She's a nice little thing, very talented and smart and wow - very pretty...plus, she laughed at most of my jokes while we all hung out today, so there's nothing wrong there, which is awesome. It's not like he's brought home some tattooed, drunken skank or anything. Besides, the kid told me last week before I met the girlfriend that I'd really like her - "because she's exactly like you, mom." Maybe I should refer to him as Oedipus in this forum from now on...

Anyway, back to me. Summer means lots of stuff to me, #1 being spending more time with my kids. I told them both recently that I really like them as people...and I do...I think if I knew these two and they weren't my kids, I'd still want to be friends with them.

My son is terrific for me. He's good for me to be around. He is grounded, calm and very seldomly is he anxious. He settles me when I'm freaked out about things without even knowing he's done so. This summer, my husband has been coaching my daughter's softball team and as a result, I've been on duty for the boy, pretty much exclusively. I get to ferry the boy back and forth to all of his baseball games and tournaments and camps and things so we're hanging out a bunch...and it's nice.

My daughter makes me feel important and needed. There are times when that little one is a cyclone of anxiety. Bizarrely, settling her down helps me settle down. Seeing that fault that we both share magnified in the little one helps me realize how I deal with my own issues and I think it helps us both.

So...they're growing up and becoming less and less dependent on me...and that's what I want. I guess I just don't want to watch it happen before my eyes in three short weeks of summer break. It's kind of incredible how much more I can see it when I'm not distracted by everyone else's kids...

Chemguy and I talk about our students who work with us on Pasta for Pennies and how we kind of look at them as if they have expiration dates sometimes..."Oh, so and so is a sophomore...we've got them for three campaigns" The oldest starts high school in the fall...his expiration date is set. I know how fast things will pass for him now. I've watched 5 groups of kids go from 9th - 12th grader and it passes in the blink of an eye.

I just want to put time on hold for a while...keep them here, as 12 and 14 year olds. I know I can't...all I can do is enjoy them as much as I possibly can in the next 4-6 years and try to keep pushing them toward independence. Hopefully, they'll want to come back and visit.

Hopefully, I won't smother them before they leave for college...and hopefully neither will be living in my basement after college.

It's a hell of an experiment...too many variables...not enough control...and I have no idea how to know if I've done it right. I probably should have written a more a testable question.

More on that later...for now, the butterflies are gone and I'm not freaking out about the kids right now.

Thanks. : )


Bdubba said...

Wish I had some insight to give you. *hugs* Just survive so you can help me through it in a few years.

achilles3 said...

a. this is beautiful on so many levels. really.
b. i'm a tattooed drunken skank. step off ;-)
c. this post reminded me of why i think that people that have children are WAY more worth listening to because of the humility that they exhibit through learning on the fly via their children then people sans kiddos. thank you BH.

calencoriel said...

Thanks Bdubba...if I can figure out a few things along the way, I'll happily share them here.

Lakes -
a. Thanks...it was very cathartic to write...
b. Drunken tattoed skanks are awesome - just not for my 14 year old son. : )
c. I don't know how much I'm worth listening to, but you've nailed it - this is the most humbling experience of my life..thanks for your comments, they mean a lot.

DanEcht said...

I brought home a drunken tattooed skank once. My parents were not supportive.

Also, this kind of thing is weird from the kids' angle too. Leaving for college was apparently associated with a perceived jump in maturity level that no one told me about. And coming home to see siblings for the first time in several months? Really strange when your sister goes through her freshman year of high school. Just saying.

cmorin said...

a. i've brought home nothing BUT drunken tattooed skanks.... just kidding. thats insulting to some of the girls i have brought home as i'm definitely more tattooed, drunken, and skanky then them.

b. you say that the end of high school marks an expiration date, and while the amount of time you spend with your children will surely diminish when they leave for college, i think leaving provides some pretty cool changes in that parent-child relationship. when i went to college i started to see my parents as people rather than parents, and i realized that they are pretty flippin cool in that regards.

b. ive come to believe that the parent-child relationship is paradoxical and sorta tragic. parents give you this intense love, yet it is this very love that allows to grow away, and to become fully independent. realizing this has made me want to repay that love anyway i can.